Rough Start
⚠: Mentions of relapse.
Hey folks. Mellow can’t get herself to write an update because she’s feeling overwhelmed right now, but she really wants to, so here I am to help relay it. It has been a while since the last blog entry and a lot happened since then.
The start of the year was rough. In late January, Mellow relapsed. She shared some traumatic experiences that (realizing in hindsight) she was not mentally prepared to share to her friends and private account. On top of this, her grief was still present and intense. In the same week, she lost all of her 6000+ music files due to corruption and her laptop needed repair, which caused her to get flashbacks. Not to mention… we didn’t drink our fuckin’ meds! For weeks!
The trigger of her relapse happened relationally through perceived abandonment. It was really unexpected. When it happened, Inryn fronted immediately. She pushed Mellow out completely from fronting and then proceeded to contact our abuser to get some relief from the grief.
Mellow said she was “banging a thick, glass wall in the inner world,” hoping that Inryn would let her front. The rest was a blur. The body was in contact with the abuser for about a month. And Inryn nearly retraumatized the system.
Luckily, the crisis was averted thanks to the help of a kind, college friend who reached out to Mellow when Inryn was away. If it weren’t for her, Gods know what would’ve happened… so from the bottom of my fuckin’ heart, I thank you for saving her. You know who you are. As well as the family member who keeps her afloat - Thank you.
In March, we found and met with a new psychologist who can help treat our dissociative condition (Hi, if you’re reading this). We’re really grateful to have found a psychologist who can speak English and is willing to acknowledge and work with parts. This is a turning point for us. We were able to return to no-contact from our abuser and feel much more stable mentally.
Meanwhile, March was… well, rough on me… because it was fasting month. I have to work overtime as the gatekeeper and it fuckin’ sucks! That’s it. I won’t say any more. But Mellow had a grand ol’ time playing Minecraft. She bought Realms and played with safe folks.
Then came April. Pretty chill so far. Wait, actually no, not for Mellow at least. As I said before, she’s feeling overwhelmed. Most likely because our meds ran out and we’re struggling quite a bit. We’re feeling anxious for next week because our mother will come with us to the psychologist and she will know what happened to Mellow. I know that Mellow needs to do this, otherwise she’ll risk breaking no-contact again and retraumatizing herself - I just… (sigh)… I have to be on guard… I guess whatever happens, happens.
Anyway, that’s all for the update. We haven’t written in general in the past month and this is a nice way to gently go back to doing it. So yeah that’s about it, see ya.
(This entry was edited by Lanes because I can’t write for shit.)
An Apology
Hi. I’d like to write something. Even though things have settled, I did at one point, made her friends worry. I haven’t fronted since the no-contact. And so while I’m here, I might as well write.
Mellow was drowning in grief back in December to January. I’ve seen her like this since 2023. And when it reached her tipping point, I ran to what was familiar, quick, and easy to help quell the grief, in hopes that, maybe, it will all be okay. But in the end, it hurt her. I failed to protect her several times.
To her friends: I’m sorry for causing so much distress earlier in the year. I’ll be reflecting on this issue for a long while. Rest assured, I won’t be going back to him. Not after what I had learned. I won’t touch the Smolclue account unless Mellow allows me to. We’ll also practice on communicating better with each other so I won’t “hijack” the front like before. I hope this is the last time I’ll ever do this. I want to change. I want to do better. I want her to be safe.