Personal Blog

100 Questions for Webmasters

To kick off the hard launch of my website, I thought doing a little questionnaire would be fun... Read more

Linguistic Barrier in the Healing Process

Oh man did I find several insights from my last therapy. The part of me who holds linguistic wounds kept getting triggered over and over during therapy and this is starting to feel unhealthy. I did say that it's good to finally be able to cry after feeling numb for so long. But when it's a full blown panic attack and I don't feel present at all? I'm not sure about that boss.

Therapy Update Babeyy (I'm suffering)

Yo. I had my first consultation today with a psychologist. I bawled my eyes out when I spoke in my native language. It's loaded with a lot of pain... hence why I prefer speaking in English. But isn't it a good thing to be able to cry finally? When I've been numb for so long? The psychologist reassured me to keep talking in my native language and to try my best to not speak in English. Some parts are conflicted… I think some of them were frantically trying to be heard... my mouth was moving on its own... I don't know. It felt like I wasn't really there in the room and kind of blanked through all of it until suddenly we were given homework and the session ended. At home, I had like an "Aha" moment. The majority of my pain (as well as the parts that carry it) stems from our native language... so perhaps in order for us to heal - to access our feelings - we need to speak in our native language. And that's really fucking hard... I'm just so used to speaking in English in almost every setting that the thought of doing therapy in my native language makes me sort of dread going to therapy LMAO.

Digital Loss

⚠ Warning: SH.

In 2017, I lost all of my digital files in my laptop... Read more

STUPID WORKKKKKK!!!

I wish I didn't have to fucking work!!! WORK THIS WORK THAT FUCK ALL THIS. LET ME LIVE IN THE WOODS AND DIE IN THE WOODS!!! (Edit by the Fighter on 2025-11-05: This is his usual complaint when I start to work. Third batch is done. He is okay now.)

Diagnoses

It has been weeks and I'm still processing my diagnoses... I got diagnosed with a soup of disorders and I didn't expect a couple of them. It felt overwhelming. I was stuck in denial for a bit (my friend had the honor of witnessing that). But after some reflection, it all made sense. It all clicked. I had accepted it. I needed to remind myself that the diagnosis doesn't define me. It informs my treatment plan and that's what I need to focus on. And what's more, I received clarity on my birthday about a condition that I've been suspecting on having. Turns out I don't have it. And I feel absolutely relieved. I can finally stop my years of searching, at least for now.

Meds and Gratitude

Heyyo, I'm back after months of disappearing. What happened since I last wrote here? Well, I started therapy (yippee!) and I was prescribed a concoction of meds. I was hesitant at first because meds usually turn me into a zombie... but WOW did I get lucky this time. First try and it all worked wonderfully on my symptoms. I'm just glad that I'm getting help. It gave me a lot of symptom relief. Besides that, I got a job. I've been busy with that too. I'm socializing and going outside again instead of isolating, even if it's little by little. Oh and my laptop broke... so I got a new one and some gear upgrades to my desktop like a webcam and mic. I'm glad my friend can now see and hear me clearly. Finally, I think the best thing was getting my first audiophile headphone. Let me tell you it was BLISS hearing EDM using it. I also bought new books to read. I'm excited to read bell hooks' book. Hm. I don't know what else to write... I just feel really grateful.

Therapy and Hobby Cycles

Got appointment with a professional locked in!! Fucking finally!!! RAHHHHH!!! It'll hopefully be in July, which is quite a while from now... in the meantime I'll try my best to stay afloat mentally. Lately I've been cycling thru my hobbies. I went back into learning Japanese again. Last time I did that was ages ago. Still rusty as fuck, but it has been fun playing Minecraft in JP. Then I'd hop to coding, then hop to gaming, then hop to writing, then hop to dancing, then hop to playing an otamatone, then... you get the picture... the only thing that I haven't really done much is... drawing. I don't know... I guess I'm scared of what I'll draw. It has been nothing but vent art lately... and it isn't something I'm willing to share yet. Even if I do, I probably gotta put a shit load of trigger warnings, gaussian blur it to death, and put it behind ten hidden links... IT SOUNDS CRAZY EXCESSIVE BUT THE STUFF I SEE IN MY FOLDERS LATELY HAS BEEN REALLY HEAVY LMAO. Hmmm... I guess we'll see.

Inner World

⚠ Warning: Mentions of SH, SI.

Well, this feels scary. I'm showing what I think is like a huge chunk of my life that has been kept in the dark for years... Read more